This next chapter is all about growth...

So the last month has been filled with many good memories but it has mainly been filled with tough moments that have me questioning all the hard work I've been doing on a personal level for the past two years. My life may look good in pictures but just like everyone else in this world I struggle with depression, anxiety and fears of never being good enough.

Many of you who know me that I wear my heart on my sleeve and am a very passionate person. This is a double edge sword as much i give to others, sometimes I don't give myself all the love that I deserve or need. Over the past three years it has been a journey to learn how to put myself before the needs of others. This is especially hard as an ER nurse. I am a giver and sometimes I give and give so much to others that when others are unable to give me the support and love I am searching for I snap. Now I know that this is not fair to those trying to be there for me and a unrealistic expectation, but I am human and I am learning each day to accept myself through the good days and the bad days and admit when I am wrong.

Going home to Wichita was so good for me. Being here in Houston I have been dealing with my depression in full force. Ive struggled with getting myself out of the townhouse and exploring because I am perfectly content staying at home with Maui just cuddled up (I mean do you see this sweet face who wouldn't want to cuddle with Maui) and watching my favorite shows or reading a good book. But being home seeing my friends, seeing someone I've missed for the longest time but have spent the longest time being angry with, taking Maui to the dog park and driving with the windows down and feeling sweet Kansas sunshine on my face was just the dose of medicine I needed to get me through these few weeks.

One of the blessings that happened recently was that I went to my favorite restaurant in the hopes to bring some joy into my life and I ended up responding to an older lady who had fallen from standing and when I came to the scene there was a fair amount of blood and people were trying to help her up. I quickly had to tell them to leave her laying down due to her falling and hitting her head really hard and went straight into ER nurse mode, assessing her breathing, her pulse, opening her eyes, then straight to c-spine. Seeing and hearing her start to be more alert and talking to me, her confusion was in full force she kept crying out for her husband while he was right by her side. I kept whispering in her ear, trying to get her to calm down and focus on her breathing and she started to slow down her tears and started to keep telling me she loved me and boy can I tell you that did something to me. This ER nurse has been tired for a long time, but this instance, this sweet women's kindness touched my heart and reminded me why I do this job. I love being the calm in the storm, I will always give myself to others because that is who I am.

Since being back I have been coping in my true form through food and trying local beers and wine. Ive also brought some from home to remind me of home when I get homesick, didn't think I would miss Wichita but I miss my people who make it worth missing.

Another exciting that happened here in Houston was right before I was going to head back to Wichita I came home to the fire alarm going off in the Townhouse complex I am staying in. It made for an eventful morning and thankfully HFD was able to come figure everything out and turn off the alarm and I took a much needed nap before heading home.

To those of you who read this blog and take the time to think of me, thank you! Sometimes its hard for me to accept the kindness that I give others. I know that this chapter of my life is forcing me to face some demons that I though that I had already dealt with but I know that once I set my mind to something it stands no chance. God bless my support system, I don't know what I would do without you people!

xoxo,

Destinee