FFT's are REAL Yall!

Anyone that knows me knows that I nerd out on psychology and am truly fascinated with how the brain works. Within the last year I have become enamored with Brené Brown. She is this kick-ass researcher from Texas. I first watched her special The Call to Courage on Netflix. Then I started to listen to her books via audible and its partly due to her that I found the courage within me to come to NYC. One of my all time favorite quotes from her is,

“Belonging so fully to yourself that you’re willing to stand alone is a wilderness--an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching. It is a place as dangerous as it is breathtaking, a place as sought after as it is feared...it turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it’s the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand. ” - Brené Brown

Lately I have been feeling isolated and lonely, maybe its the fact that I work during the time that most of my loved ones and friends are asleep. Its taking a toll on me to be more alone with myself than I have ever been. As in Brené's podcast Unlocking Us, she talks about the term FFT which stands for "First Fucking Time". She talks about how we are all going through FFT's through going through this pandemic. And let me tell you, I've had my fare share of FFT's here in NYC. I've had moments where I can't stop crying for hours realizing the magnitude of my decision to be here. And of course my mom was on the other side of the phone while I cried my eyes out talking about my love for my profession and fear of the unknown of how this pandemic while affect all of our lives, the stresses of not being at my own home and trying to manage my home from over 1,261 miles away. Now I have failed day in and day out to manage it as good as I would like to and looking back I wish I had better prepared myself and my loved ones for all that would come our way. I wish I had the conversations that needed to happen prior to me leaving Kansas but then I realize this is my First Fucking Time being this far from home and needed to remind myself that I am not perfect, my family members aren't perfect, no one is perfect. We are all struggling through this and deserve to show ourselves some grace.

So I decided to this past Sunday to take my first bike ride in the city and I went to Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis Reservoir and I got on FaceTime with my momma. We had our own Mother's Day Celebration two days before when she received the photo album that I had made her. It was so nice to take my mother into the city with me and then also get to talk to some other very special women in my life. But through this all my momma has been there cheering in my corner, bringing me back to reality when my emotions get the best of me. Having her talking to me everyday and helping me through the mental mind-field in my brain has helped me keep my sanity. She knows that I walk through the world with my heart open and lets me cry when I need to cry, vent when I need to vent, and just be me. I am beyond grateful to be blessed with my mother, she's my rock and I love her more than anything in this world. I don't tell her enough how much she means to me, but I would be lost without her.

This past weekend was filled with so many emotions of missing home, but somehow some way I find a way to find the beauty in the little things of my life. I've tried vegan tacos and can say they are freaking awesome!! And yes I ate all of that food in the picture, I was hungry. I received gifts from my greatly missed Forensic girls that not only touched me but also some of the nurses here with me! I got in two things that I have been waiting anxiously for, the first being a Harry Potter scrub cap because I'm that girl. And secondly the vitamins that I have been eyeing for months now. But I had always talked myself out of getting them and then finally I allowed myself to get myself this one thing that I've been wanting for such a long time. Then when reading through the pamphlet that comes in the box that it was all sent in I stumble on this excerpt,

"Make your self the greatest tool in our toolbox isn't a pill or a cream. It's self-determination. You can't cleanse or exfoliate your way to sturdy bones. There's no serum for young blood. And aging well doesn't mean having a good body for your age, it means supporting your body as you age. Health isn't just skin deep, its cell deep --- and results take time and daily commitment. You make a promise to your future self. You build a habit. You turn it into a ritual." - Ritual

One of the things that brought me so much joy this weekend was getting to celebrate a new friend that just recently graduated with her Nurse Practitioner degree. This new close group of friends that I have made here got the plans rolling and we got her a cake and bought some champagne to celebrate her achievement since she couldn't do as she had planned with her friends and family. It's these little things that touch my heart and make my soul happy.

This past week has been hard emotionally and each week feels like a month of being gone from home. I have been struggling and I always turn to one of my favorite quotes,

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." -Theodore Roosevelt

I may be struggling with different aspects of my life from relationships with friends and family, my internal anxiety to have things done exactly the way that I want them done in an attempt to have some last ounce of control in my life; to having too many emotional breakdowns. Cause I don't have much control of my life right now, I'm having to be very flexible with every aspect of my life due to being a travel nurse in NYC. I am human, I am a sinner and some days are harder than others, but I keep trying like the little engine saying "I think I can, I think I can". And if I know one thing I know that I will get through this phase of my life and I will learn what God intends for me to learn because, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" -Philippians 4:13

Thank you for reading my emotional blog post. If you haven't heard of Brené Brown then you should go check her out, she reminds me of home more than anything and listening to a long lost friend. I've learned so many lessons about myself through her books and podcasts.

Love yall,

Destinee